Olga Aunty dropped in today with her daughter.
Again. For the past two years Olga has been searching for a suitable boy for Succorine. Every few months Olga Aunty will meet
me and tell me her woes. Invariably the same.
The right match was found but then, at the last
minute, they find some seemingly unsurmountable flaw in the boy. "But he wears earrings", "But he can't take his wife abroad",
"I heard he took drugs before", "He was friendly with a married woman when he was in college"...Wonder what it is this time?
"Perpet Mana told me that every weekend he goes to the club and has a few drinks"
what of it, Aunty. Its not like he's a raving alcoholic?"
"Ok! What does he drink?"
"Tell Perpet Mana to find out"
"Arre! What does it matter? Drinking is drinking!"
important to know what he drinks"
"Maybe he drinks Rum"
"White or dark? If he drinks white rum of any sort then
he is ignorant. But if he can differentiate between Old Monk from Tilamol and Lucknow Distilleries than he has a fine tongue"
"Cool. But only Kingfisher, Fosters or Haywards. If he drinks Belo beer then he's probably a poor gambler
trying to win the Rs. 50,000/- prize under the cork"
"Naaah! Of course it depends on what whisky.
If he drinks anything known by its initials like AC, OC, DSP, DySP... then he's a loser who just likes the golden colour.
But if he drinks a single malt or a premium whisky like Signature or even better, Black & White, then he has refined sensibilities"
think Perpet Mana mentioned Solan something"
"Solan No. 1, Bagpiper, Arlem beer... these are genuine signs that this
guy is in his mid forties and is too old for your Succorine. He probably also rides a Yezdi motorcyle and smokes Four Square cigarettes. Stuck in the early nineteen eighties that's what these guys
"Mansion House, Honeybee ok. But if he's drinking any variety of Doctor's brandy then his stomach
is probably corroded already and he won't last long"
"And Vodka & Gin?"
"Avoid him like the plague. Specially
if he has those sweet pre-mixed drinks like Shotz and Bacdardi Breezer. He's gay. Definitely gay"
"And what if he drinks
the local stuff"
"What you mean local stuff"
"You know Caju, Maad, Urrack..."
"Good question. You see
Aunty here in North Goa anyone who drinks Maad or Urrack has to be a broke guy.
Urrack is only drunk during Urrack season and Maad should only be consumed in South Goa. Caju Feni on the other hand is an excellent pointer to a person's good character. But does he drink just
any Caju? Does he sniff the bottle before pouring a drink? Does he enquire about the vintage and the still it came from? You
see this year's stuff from Anton in Siolim is not the same as last year's from Digamber in Sanvordem? Does he have it with
soda or with Limca or with water. Cold water or normal water? Does he insist on mineral water? Which brand? There are so many
factors to be considered when choosing a son-in-law. You have to very careful"
"I will ask Perpet Mana to find out
more and get back to you"
[The humour column above appeared in Goa Plus
the Friday Magazine section of The Times of India; text courtesy : www.goa-world.com (Everything Goan)]
voice: 00965 9502686